A New Secret Society: the Illiterati of Ballymorons

A new “movement” has appeared on social media, if you can call it that. They are called The Illiterati.

According to experts, the Illiterati are “a loosely connected collective of humans who share more traits with sea slugs than with other human beings.” They drift through comment sections and encrypted chat groups, absorbing whatever nonsense floats by and regurgitating it as “forbidden truth.”

Despite the name, they are not a secret society in the traditional sense. Nothing about them is secret, except maybe the reason why they still have internet access. Their entire existence depends on so-called secrets that turn out to be recycled pub gossip, voice notes from equally confused friends, or screenshots of someone’s aunt’s Facebook rant.

The group claims to “know things they can’t tell you,” mostly because they don’t actually know them. Their sacred texts include chain messages, pixelated infographics, and ten-minute YouTube videos titled “They Don’t Want You To Know This (Share Before It’s Deleted!!!)”.

Their gatherings, both online and occasionally in person, are described as “the intellectual equivalent of watching a rat die of a Cheetos overdose while high on paracetamol.”

No confirmed conspiracy theory links them yet to poisoned wells or baby sacrifices, though one rumor is spreading they might be the ones behind the recent attacks on hallal food with dehydrated holy water.

The Illiterati have no leader, no coherent ideology, and no future, just a deep conviction that their confusion is revolutionary. Their slogan? “Ignorantus cœptis, Novus ordo stultorum”