Local Fascist Politician Claims Defamation

Ballybollocks was set aflutter this week after local fascist-in-residence Matt McBroody, a known racist, Maga dicks swallower and part time sheep stalker, announced that he intended to sue the Shitehawk Sentinel for defamation.

The newsroom waited patiently for word from his legal team. When nothing came, we assumed the matter had died a natural death, the way most of Matt’s ideas do.

After all, the man had already torpedoed his own reputation by sending everyone within WiFi range a waterfall of abuse. His messages came thick and fast, packed with threats, racism, misogyny, private photos, intimidation, incitement to hatred, incitement to violence and at least three emojis he clearly did not understand. Any half competent lawyer would have walked away the moment Matt opened his mouth, especially given the smell of wet sheep he carries like a perfume.

But no. Reality, as usual, refused to cooperate.

Our usual source, the grandson of the great aunt of the doctor of the mechanic of the brother of the mother of the maths teacher of our neighbour, dropped by the Sentinel’s office this morning with a hot bit of gossip. On his way to the butcher, he crossed paths with the B family, that wealthy clan everyone tiptoes around because they own half the parish and the other half owes them money.

According to him, the B family offered Matt a very generous deal.

Two lambs.

For his personal use.

Once the season comes round. In exchange for his silence.

Which, oddly enough, he has so far managed to keep. A miracle in itself.

We are not entirely sure what to make of this rumour.

The idea that the B family would attempt to buy the silence of a man who cannot go ten minutes without insulting strangers online is confusing at best. And the implication that Matt has a price, and that said price is two lambs, raises questions that nobody sane wants answered.

Still, the village has seen its fair share of nonsense lately. The last batch of rumours turned out to be as false as Matt’s promises of Christian chastity and as revolting as his reported sensual hobbies.

So if this latest tale is true, grand. If not, at least it fits nicely with the grand Ballybollocks tradition of talking shite about people.