Silent Night, Racist Shite: Festive Season in CarrickHealslut

CarrickHealslut is getting into the festive mood, that magical time of year when local Christians prepare to celebrate the birth of a Palestinian baby they would absolutely starve, deport, or dump in the Moy if he showed up today.

Shops are buzzing, plastic tat is flying off the shelves, and everyone is elbowing each other for the last discounted toy made by an eight year old in a sweatshop somewhere beyond the white world, but fear not, because one woman is here to remind us of the real Christian message.

Kiera McBroody, healthcare assistant, mother of four, and CarrickHealslut’s patron saint of cognitive dissonance, has launched a heartfelt seasonal petition titled “Throw Them Into the Sea”, denouncing what she solemnly calls an “invasion”. Nothing says Advent like a good old-fashioned call for human disposal.

With the righteous glow of someone who once watched a YouTube video about “common sense”, Kiera proclaims:

“Migrants only come here to take advantage of our kindness. Once we’ve given them everything, they stab us in the back and steal our houses, our jobs, and our benefits.”

A local sociologist, dragged away from his morning tea for comment, gently reminded the unqualified healthcare worker that, according to every actual study available, migrants contribute more in taxes than they ever receive. He added:

“The sentence ‘we gave you everything’ is internationally classified in psychiatry as a red flag for manipulative weirdos who panic the moment they cannot control others anymore.”

But Kiera does not care what “experts” say, especially experts who can read. She is pretty sure the sociologist is woke anyway.

What truly matters to her is protecting the sacred Irish tradition of benefit fraud exclusively for white locals.

“I’m divorced,” she confesses proudly, “and my new fella lives with me. I don’t declare him, otherwise I’d lose the One Parent Family Payment, the HAP and the fuel allowance. Himself gets paid cash so he doesn’t have to declare anything, and he got grants for his wee business. Fraud lets us save to buy a little farm someday.But if Africans come here and start frauding too, there won’t be enough resources left for us.”

And there it is, the true spirit of Christmas in CarrickHealslut.

Fraud with your neighbour, drowning your distant neighbour, calling it morality.

Holly, ivy, and pure hypocrisy.