Fap Right Sends Us More Poetry, Mistakes Us For Two Random Lads Again

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Every so often, the Shitehawk Sentinel mailbag delivers another gem from the Fap Right, Ireland’s finest collection of half-evolved bollock-draggers who spend their days hallucinating threats and their nights spreading hate on the internet with the grace of a cow tap-dancing on a Nokia keypad.

This week’s gift came from a lad convinced we are two men he knows. For privacy reasons, we will call them Igor and Tonio. We are honestly delighted he thinks that, because if these geniuses ever suspected we might not be lads, we would be knee-deep in unsolicited dick pics and grainy shots of whatever fungal ecosystem they keep between their legs. Thankfully, this particular philosopher stuck to what he knows best, which is screaming online about the tragedy of having a very small dick.

The message was a full meltdown about lads wanting bigger dicks. Igor supposedly spends too much time online crying about it. Tonio is warned not to end up like him, or he too will be begging the universe for an upgrade. The whole thing reads like minutes from a support group for men traumatised by basic biology and tape measures.

Now, before anyone asks, yes, we changed the original porn fantasy to a male one.

Why? Because these pricks always weaponise women’s sexuality whenever they want to insult a man. It is their favourite trick.

They drag imaginary wives into it, fantasise about them, degrade them, toss them around like props in their shitey little power trips. But if you look at their actual obsessions, the truth is painfully obvious.

These lads think about dicks all day.

Big ones, bigger ones, ones that would require planning permission.

Their insults orbit penis size the way flies orbit bins. So for once, we decided to give them the fantasy they actually have.

Not women, not wives, not daughters or "underage girlfriends" (yes, the fap right struggle to acknowledge children, they call them "underage women").

Just their own panic about the measurements they delete from Google searches at 3am.

And here is the part that would be funny if it wasn’t so unsettling. These lads never shut up about “protecting women”. They claim, as often as they fart, that their fascism is a noble crusade to save womanhood from migrants, Brussels, space lasers or whatever they are afraid of this week.

Yet the very moment they try to insult a man, they fantasise about a woman being violated, degraded, humiliated. It is always their first instinct, the one brain cell lighting up like a Christmas bulb dipped in piss.

They cannot see that they are the danger.

Women do not need protection from refugees, vegans or the deep state.

Women need protection from men who think this kind of message is normal.

Lads who weaponise sexual violence every time their ego gets spooked.

Lads who claim they are defending civilisation but cannot spell “back”.

If their genes ever escaped into the wild, biologists would declare an environmental emergency.

Yet these are the self-declared warriors of the nation. The defenders of morality. The lads who genuinely believe they would thrive in a fascist utopia, when in reality they would struggle to run a fucking sandwich toaster without supervision.

So thank you, anonymous bard of bollocks, for your donation to the cultural heritage of Ireland. Truly, your work has deepened our understanding of what happens when loneliness, ignorance and a smartphone collide at speed.

Do send more. The bin has been quiet.