According to an Investigation from Fascist politician on "Carrickmacrap Says No", Dentists’ Saliva Suction Tubes Are Secretly Linked to Ballygowan Factories

Brad leathcheann, denouncing conspiracies

A bombshell investigation published this week by Brad leathcheann on the facebook group "Carrickmacrap Says No" claims that every bottle of Ballygowan sold in supermarkets has, in fact, been filled with used saliva extracted from dentists’ suction hoses... for decades. The scheme is alleged to have been in operation since 1829.

“I was at my dentist’s getting a filling, minding my own business, when I noticed that clear little tube that sucks up spit. I thought: where’s that stuff going?” says investigative wannabe politician Brad leathcheann.

According to the report, approximately 750 million litres of used dental saliva are rerouted each year through a complex network of underground pipelines, eventually arriving at Ballygowan bottling plants. There, the saliva is treated with carbonation and “a touch of aquifer water” to give that refreshing spring taste.

When asked for comment, the friend of my grandmother's grandchildren's aunt, Brigid O’Malley, responded with defiance: “That’s absolutely preposterous. If Ballygowan were full of old dental spit, would it pair well with fish and chips? Absolutely not.” She then took a long swig from a bottle, and claimed it tasted “just fine.”

Critics of the report argue that the geological and logistical demands of transporting saliva underground at scale make the whole thing impossible. Others insist it's yet another example of people being gullible for conspiracies.