ALIEN FLEET SPOTTED BY CONCERNED CITIZENS OVER CARRICHRISTONABIKE

Locals report inflatable starcraft over the town; some say it’s the start of a cosmic “great replacement”

CARRICHRISTONABIKE — No, they haven’t landed. Yet. But last Thursday night a string of what locals are calling “Alien lights” drifted across the Carrichristonabike sky, prompting three emergency phonecalls, one prayer, and a furious comment thread on the town’s Facebook page.

Not everyone is amused. A well-known local commenter of the group “Carrichristonabike Says No” posted that this sighting is “proof” of a larger plot. According to that poster, the arrivals are the vanguard of a staged wave of violence: paid agitators will spark chaos, the state will respond with draconian security measures (cameras in public loos, allegedly), and suddenly you’ll need to scan your forehead for 5G-nanochips before buying a loaf.

The crafts, according to anonymous sources who refuse to reveal themselves unless offered three pints and a scratch card, were financed by George Soros himself. One leak, typed in Comic Sans and laminated for durability, quotes Soros as saying:

“At three migrants per thousand Irish per year, we’ll never replace this population. Do the maths. At this pace the great replacement will take longer than a Ryanair refund. We need acceleration.”

According to this “source,” Soros then allegedly leaned back, rubbed his hands together like a Bond villain, and added:

“Extraterrestrials are faster, more obedient, and frankly better value for money. Half of them don’t even get caught in prostitution or trafficking networks before arrival. Logistics is destiny, my friend.”

The supposed aliens, known by names such as Xztlrene and Glorf, are said to be en route to take jobs and to open vape shops.