BALLYBOLLOCKS – A local man, Shawn O’Dikshit, has made what he calls a “major scientific breakthrough” after a long crusade against tap water and the birth control pills hiding inside it.

Shawn first became alarmed when he “witnessed gay sex among fish” during what he described as “real field work”, three hours in front of the telly. His conclusion? Women’s urine, laced with pill chemicals, was corrupting the nation’s rivers, turning fish flamboyant and, through tap water, making ordinary citizens gay.

Acting swiftly, Shawn abandoned tap water altogether, switching to beer. But disaster struck when his investigations uncovered that beer too was “basically water in disguise.” He turned to cola as his last safe refuge. These days, he even makes his morning coffee by boiling cola and adding powdered instant.

Shawn forced his family to follow his strict no-tap-water regime. So he was horrified when his 15-year-old son called him a “fascist creep,” “human waste,” and came out as bisexual. “I failed to protect my family,” Shawn admitted tearfully. “I spent too long fighting the water and not enough time doing my own research.”

That research has now taken a shocking new turn. “Let’s be honest,” Shawn declared. “There’s a plan to make people gay or whatever, so water won’t be the only tool. And then I saw it, clear as day, while sipping my cola-coffee: the fecking windmills. They’re not producing anything. They’re just turning. They must be spreading something. Likely some gay mist, full of hormones. I wouldn’t be surprised if people living closer to windmills were gayer than the ones further away.”

Local experts disagree.

• One specialist patiently pointed out: “Cola is made of water too.”

• Another added bluntly: “Nothing is provoking gayness. Let people love who they want, instead of trying to control them like a creep.”

  
  

Shawn was unmoved. “That specialist sounds exactly like my son,” he scoffed. “Must be gay too.”

To prove his theory, Shawn produced what he called “hard evidence”: drawings he collected at the local preschool. “I had to break in at night,” he explained proudly. “The teachers wouldn’t let me take them and wanted to call the psych ward. But look, the kids were asked to draw the landscape, and every single one put rainbows through the windmill. The children see it!”

Days later, Shawn launched an attack on the crèche itself after spotting a large rainbow sign displayed on the wall. “I think the gay lobby is paying for the crèche to make them accept gay ideas,” he said, moments before being restrained.

He ended up in prison but has vowed to continue his crusade against what he calls “the conspiracy of the century.”

Meanwhile, Ballybollocks residents say they’re just relieved Shawn now spends his evenings behind bars instead of shouting at the sky or trying to ban women from peeing.