Ballybollocks Declares 5G the New Pandemic

Your favourite reporter has once again stepped through the cosmic arsehole that separates our world from the one where Councillor Brad O’Nark holds absolute power over the Ballybollocks - Carrickmorons Municipal District.

It’s Monday morning, and Brad’s decided that 5G will be “the great cause of the month” for November.

“It fits well with Movember,” he proudly declared outside the community hall. “People are getting cancers and all sorts of diseases from 5G. I’m inviting the citizens of our villages to get tested this month, so we can be the first group to prove how dangerous it is. I’m going myself this afternoon.”

We meet him outside the local GP at 15:12.

“I’ve a wee appointment in three minutes,” he says, scratching his tracksuit waistband. “There’s a lump beside me left testicle. I reckon it’s the 5G. I keep me phone in me pocket, and they’re all 5G now. I don’t know when it appeared, but it’s not normal.”

While Brad goes in to get his balls inspected, we take a stroll through Ballybollocks to see what’s changed.

After wading through the usual dog shite on the pavement and sidestepping a suspicious pool of vomit outside The Drunken Leprechaun, we pass the local preschool, Ballybollocks’ Sharp Pencils. A teacher on yard duty waves at us.

“Since Brad got elected, we’ve stopped teaching Arabic numbers to the kids,” she says, smiling proudly. “Makes the job much easier.”

Further down the street, the village looks half-dead. The vape shop’s gone. The phone repair’s gone. The kebab’s gone. The barber’s still there, because he’s white and Irish, of course.

A woman carrying her shopping stops to talk.

“When Brad was elected, there was a bit of a ratonnade, you know? They kicked out all the foreigners who had businesses here. The problem now is, there’s fuck-all left. One day Brad himself was roaring that his phone had fallen out of ‘me pocket,’ but sure, there was no one left to fix it. He had to buy a new one. Serves the gobshite right.”

Back outside the GP, Brad comes out looking grim.

We fear the worst, any lump in that region is rarely a good sign.

“It was nothing,” he says finally. “The doctor told me it’s just me right ball. The 5G won’t make a eunuch out of me after all.”

We leave Ballybollocks for now, Brad, his delusions, and his newly rediscovered right testicle, and we’ll return soon for Episode Three of our journey through the multiverse.