Ballybollocks in Panic as Big Lough Turns Into Metal and Microplastics Soup

In Ballybollocks, panic spread this morning after an impressive number of dead fish were found floating on Big Lough like they finally gave up on coexisting with the locals. Tests were carried out straight away, and suspicion rose even faster than Bradley MacOrf’s heartbeat when he hears a sheep bleat.

Local fascist “politician” and full time sheep-stalker Bradley MacOrf rushed to the scene before anyone else. Not because he cares about the lough, or the community, or even basic hygiene, but because he was terrified his favourite sheep’s actual owner might get blamed.

And since that lad has indeed been spreading slurry right beside the lake like a man trying to fertilise the apocalypse, Bradley feared this might end with his beloved woolly companion taken away.

“I drunk this water straight from the lake since I’m a little kid, I’m grand,”

Bradley claimed, proudly showing off his zero remaining teeth, his famously dramatic lack of IQ, and the strange cocktail of spots, warts and fungal scenery decorating his face like a diseased topographical map.

Council scientists came to collect samples and investigate.

“The analysis are showing an abnormal level of manganese, zinc oxide, chromium, cadmium, and nickel,” one scientist said. “We also found incredibly high levels of acesulfame potassium, which can sometimes point to a water treatment issue, but that system is fine. To put it plainly for your readers, it looks like an army of sick welders were using the lough as their main toilets.”

Very sick indeed, as unmanageable quantities of microplastics were also found, suggesting the culprit spent most of their life burning plastics, inhaling the fumes, and sweating out particles like a walking landfill.

Since Ballybollocks does not, sadly, host an actual army of sick welders, the council decided to install cameras around Big Lough to figure out what has been turning the water into metallic broth.

Bradley was spotted lurking near the team installing the cameras. We approached him for comments, but he waved us off.

“Not now, I need to take a piss,” he said.

Then he walked straight to the lake shore, unzipped, and started pissing directly into the water in full view of everyone.