Brad Full O’Shite fears halal food: “I don’t want to wake up Algerian”

CARRICHRIST-ON-A-BIKE, Local hero and part-time Facebook philosopher, Brad Full O’Shite, is once again warning the population against the greatest threat facing Ireland today: halal chicken.

Brad posted a photo of a canteen menu on Carrichrist-on-a-Bike Says No, horrified to discover that “all chicken served is halal.”

“This is how it starts,” he wrote, “first they bless your dinner, next thing you’re wearing sandals and saying foreign words.”

The self-taught theologian explained that, according to David Icke University of YouTube, eating halal meat 666 times turns you into a Pakistani Muslim.

“If it’s 333 times, you’re only half converted, like an Algerian. And with 6 halal meals, you might already be a Bosniak, depending on your BMI and blood group/Rh factor.”

To verify this terrifying claim, our investigative reporter Rosa Liechtenstein spent two years eating halal food exclusively.

“Nothing happened,” she admitted. “Although I did become slightly more tolerant and started seasoning my food properly, but I’m told that’s unrelated.”

Seeking scientific clarity, Rosa interviewed experts:

Dr. Saoirse O’Reilly, cultural anthropologist, explained:

“There is no known physical effect of prayer over food. We’ve seen this wave of homeschooled tradwives making their kids do unscientific rice experiments — one jar insulted, one jar blessed — to ‘prove’ that positive energy prevents mould. Spoiler: it's not scientific. Only storage conditions determine whether something spoils or not. So no, praying over a chicken doesn’t turn it into a conversion grenade.”

Finn Smith, slaughterhouse health inspector, added:

“Actually, one of the halal requirements is that animals must be healthy before slaughter. In non-halal cases, there’s no such obligation, remember the mad cow scandal? That didn’t come from halal but from cost-cutting and negligence. So ironically, halal standards can make the meat safer.”

Dr. Éamon McTeague, sociologist, concluded:

“These fears are a mix of urban legends, post-Catholic guilt, and a total lack of education. Imagining a Muslim zombie apocalypse is just more exciting than being a decent person who respects other cultures.”

Brad remains unconvinced.

“They said the same about fluoridated water and look where we are, drinking beer!”

He has since asked his parish priest to prepare dehydrated holy water, so he can sprinkle it on his meals “just in case the devil tries to halal his lasagnas.”

The priest declined to comment, reportedly too busy blessing Supermac’s chips.