BREAKING: Amateur Scientists Now So Advanced Harvard Might Shut By Next Month

In what experts are calling “a tragedy of unprecedented proportions,” research institutions across the capitalist world are facing mass closures, not from budget cuts, but from ordinary men in hi-vis jackets doing “their own research” on Facebook.

For decades, education was every parent’s dream for their child. A PhD was the golden ticket, and only the rarest 2% of the planet’s brightest minds ever got to taste the cold coffee of a research office.

Nobody, not even the most cynical sociologist, could have predicted that a pandemic, a few dodgy reels, and a YouTube algorithm would democratise science overnight.

Today, every feed is a faculty:

• Seamus McGléas cracked the chemtrail code, revealing that the white streaks behind planes are a government plot to sterilise white people, discovered entirely by “watching reels on the jacks.”

  
  

• Paddy O’Clasán, a self-described “crane operator, part-time philosopher,” overturned centuries of physics with his flat Earth proof: “I’ve been up 40 metres. I can see Tesco. I can’t see no roundness.”

  
  

• Brad Gamal went further still, exposing how COVID was created by the Anunnaki “to keep us inside while they built 5G landing pads for flying saucers,” a breakthrough achieved while scrolling at 2 a.m. on YouTube.

  
  

The list goes on. Entire fields are being “solved” in bedrooms between football highlights and conspiracy playlists.

Major universities are panicking.

“If people keep doing their own research, we’ll have to close Harvard by next month,” one senior administrator told us. “Our donors just don’t see the point in funding labs when Paddy from the yard has already disproved gravity on Facebook Live.”

But not everyone sees this as a disaster. Social researcher Mark Comhchealgaire says it could be a genuine turning point:

“Is it so bad? Science’s gates are opening. Knowledge’s walls are falling. But let’s be honest, it might also just be rich propagandist bastards feeding slurry to people who struggle to count to ten. We’re moving faster than is safe. Maybe start by making sure no child is left behind… for real this time.”

Until then, universities warn that the next Nobel Prize could go not to a lab, but to a WhatsApp group chat called “Wake Up Sheeple.”