BREAKING: Ballybollocks Council Launches “Straight Businessman Story Hour” for Local Children

You’ve probably been wondering where The Shitehawk has been these past few weeks.

Well, we found a window into an alternate universe, and over there, your favourite Anon User, Brad O’Nark, somehow got elected in your beloved Ballybollocks - Carrickmorons Municipal District.

We’ve got a series of exclusive investigations on what happens when a certified halfwit from the Fap Right gets actual power.

Wandering through the streets of Ballybollocks, one poster caught our eye:

Straight Businessman Story HourCouncillor Brad O’Nark and his team tell the prince’s side of Sleeping Beauty: his bravery, his virility, his responsibilities.“You’ll never look at your dick the same way again.”Saturday morning, 10:30 to noon, ages 2+.

Another poster read:

Tradwife Story HourCouncillor Martha McVeigh and her team explain how Sleeping Beauty found joy and fulfilment in her role as a tradwife.A free copy of My First Recipes to Please the Men in My Family will be gifted to all attending girls.Saturday afternoon, 2 to 3:30pm, ages 2+.

Well, it’s Saturday, and the first session starts in an hour. So we settle in at the café across from the library.

At 10 sharp, a gang of lads in shiny suits, fancy watches, and black attaché cases show up. We spot Brad O’Nark immediately. In our world, he’s a digital creator and part-time sheep walker. Here, he’s a former digital creator, ex-sheep walker, and now councillor, who’s developed a passion for storytelling and politics (neither of which are remotely interested in him). He looks like a fascist penguin in a three-piece suit.

At 10:30, the “story hour” begins. The performance is a masterclass in self-pity: a circle-jerk of wealthy straight white men explaining how they are the real victims.

“It’s not that we do nothing and get everything handed to us,” says O’Nark. “We deserve it. And anyway, that wasn’t rape, that’s just what the woke mob calls it. Sleeping Beauty was lucky a white man noticed her at all, could’ve been a migrant.”

The afternoon “story hour” for the girls turned out to be a “look pretty and shut up” workshop. Honestly, not that different from what’s already happening in our own reality, except instead of fake nails and hair extensions, it was curlers, eyebrow plucking, and a closing prayer.

A busy day, then, in Ballybollocks. Stay tuned for part two!