BREAKING: First Alien Message Received

IN WHAT SCIENTISTS are calling “the biggest moment for humanity since Lidl started selling Airfryers,” the very first confirmed alien transmission has reached Earth.

The mysterious signal, which arrived early this morning, contained just one sentence:

“R.E.L.E.A.S.E.T.H.E.E.P.S.T.E.I.N.F.I.L.E.S.”

The message, transmitted across galaxies, has already caused pandemonium among scientists, governments, and local lads who once failed the Junior Cert but insist they’ve “cracked it.”

“I rearranged the letters, right? And it says ‘See the Peel’s Fertile Hens’. That’s about the English, isn’t it? Classic,”

said Darren O’Malley from a “Carrickbollocks Says No” Facebook group, holding up a roll of tinfoil.

“I think the aliens are warning us about poultry farming and Hallal conspiracy. Makes sense.”

Meanwhile, at CERN and MIT, top physicists fed the message into quantum computers, neural networks, and the world’s most advanced AI models, only to receive the same output over and over:

“For fk’s sake, release the Epstein files.”**

“It’s uncanny,” admitted Dr. Fiona Murphy of Trinity College. “Even when we asked ChatGPT in Irish, Japanese, and Morse code, the answer was just

‘release the files, ye cowardly bastards’.”

And in America, Donald Trump weighed in:

“Look, the aliens agree with me. Everyone knows paracetamol causes autism, I said it, they heard it, and now even outer space is on my side. Tremendous people, these aliens, very smart, some say the best.”

On social media, conspiracy groups are divided. Some believe the aliens are Jesuits in disguise, others argue the message was clearly forged by George Soros.

For now, scientists are bracing for a second contact. Early speculation suggests it may simply read:

“And while you’re at it, stop voting for gobshites.”