BREAKING NEWS: We Paid An Etsy Witch To Contact Charlie Kirk By Ouija Board
- The Shitehawk Sentinel
- Sep 26, 2025
- 1 min read
Just days before his untimely death, journalists at Jezebel reportedly paid an Etsy witch to curse Charlie Kirk. And maybe... just maybe... it worked.
The controversial Nazi, who spewed racism, white supremacy, misogyny, and transphobia like a slurry tank in an Irish field, is now officially on the other side, keeping warm in the company of his ancestors and fellow fascists in hell.
In the spirit of investigation, we decided to follow the Jezebel playbook. We went shopping on Etsy and paid another witch to hold a Ouija board session with the deceased creep.
The results were… enlightening.
According to the witch, Kirk had one last message for his fellow sickos stuck here on Earth:
“Hell is more enjoyable than listening to you lot. At least down here, I don’t have to hear you crying like abandoned kittens about your ‘lost’ country. You’re pussies, begging for empathy, following bed trucks, filming cow shit and wasting your lives whining. I’m glad I’m gone.”
The séance ended with the candles flickering out and the witch muttering something about needing hazard pay for listening to that level of drivel.
So there you have it. Charlie Kirk’s final word from beyond: hell > his fanbase.
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