Carrichrist-on-a-Bike Watch Declares Itself the Supreme Court, the Gardaí, and the Vatican Combined

CARRICHRIST-ON-A-BIKE – The local Facebook page Carrichrist-on-a-Bike Watch has once again demonstrated its unique authority over absolutely nothing, declaring that they and only they may decide what local businesses are really up to.

The group’s latest investigation began when a planning application revealed the shocking presence of… 14 bathrooms. According to the Watch, this can only mean one thing: a sinister plot involving migrants, lizard people, or possibly just the normal requirements of a café and children’s play area.

Fueled by episodes of true crime watched between Tayto sandwiches and cans of Club Orange, the self-appointed detectives of Carrichrist-on-a-Bike Watch have concluded they are qualified as Gardaí, barristers, and prophets.

“Democracy is dead!” they scream on Facebook, usually after someone reminds them that democracy involves rules, evidence, and spelling the word Limerick correctly.

The irony is not lost on locals: these bullies, who demand answers from strangers like playground toughs, also collapse into sobbing toddlers whenever elections don’t go their way.

While calling themselves Christians, they conveniently forget that in their own culture, it’s God who decides rulers. That means, by their own theology, their job is to sit down, stop whining, and accept that leaders will be held accountable before God, not before a mob of clowns in onesies and work clothes, holding court outside SuperValu.

For now, Carrichrist-on-a-Bike Watch continues its sacred mission: to guard the town from democracy, toilets, and the terrifying idea that private citizens don’t owe explanations to random lads with smartphones.