Carrickmorons’ IPAS Residents Finally Integrate: “We Just Do Exactly Like Them Now”

At the Carrickmorons IPAS centre, residents have decided that the best way to be accepted is to truly become locals.

“When we first arrived,” explains Aziz, “we tried to be polite. You know, like normal human beings. One day I smiled and waved at a baby in a pram, next day, there was a full article in Gropt and a dozen posts on ‘Carrickmorons Says No’ claiming I tried to kidnap him.”

Another resident adds:

“I said good morning to an old lady once. The following day they were all posting about a ‘migrant pervert’ trying to assault a grandmother. That’s when we realised politeness isn’t part of local culture.”

So, the IPAS residents decided to adapt properly.

They bought dogs and let them shit everywhere without picking it up: “It’s what the locals do,” says Karim.

They stopped smiling, learned to drive after drinking 4 pints, and now park half on the road, half in a hedge, just like true Carrickmornians.

They even started throwing beer cans out of car windows, scratching homophobic slurs in the changing rooms by the lake, and posting racist comments under their own pictures,

“to blend in naturally,” Aziz says proudly.

And Saïd, the self-declared “cultural integration officer” of the centre, promises they’ll soon master the final step:

“We’ll start not respecting women the way they do it here too. Here, it seems you only abuse the people you know, especially your wife. We checked the stats: nearly every woman in a relationship here has experienced domestic violence. So we’ll adapt, we’ll keep it traditional.”

He pauses, before adding: “We’ll call people "gay" to insult them. It’s clearly part of the local heritage, like drinking on a Tuesday.”

After a week of hard work, their efforts are paying off. Padraig from “Carrickmorons Says No” says things are “improving”:

“At least now they’re acting a bit more Irish. They’re learning our ways. I’m not racist, but… you know, the colour of their skin is still a problem.”

And there it is, the Carrickmorons miracle: a community so proud of its culture of silence, violence and casual hatred that the newcomers had to mimic it to be left alone.