Crookslurry Parasite Also Feels Targeted by Article on Gossip toxicity

In an extraordinary turn of events, a louse currently residing on the arse of a sheep in a muddy field near Crookslurry has issued a public statement declaring he feels “deeply attacked” by The Shitehawk Sentinel’s latest article condemning gossip.

“I’m not stalking the sheep,” said the tiny parasite indignantly. “We live together. It’s a symbiotic relationship. I take a wee bit of blood, she gives me warmth. That’s nature, not harassment.”

The morpion, who wished to remain anonymous but insisted we call him Mork O’Scrote, also denied ever having been paid by mysterious global elites to spread misinformation online.

“All me family’s dealing with the rich folks and not me. I’m all on me own,” he lamented, shortly before crawling back into the wool to escape the rain.

We at The Shitehawk Sentinel want to sincerely apologise that even a sheep’s arse louse feels targeted by our articles. That was never the intent. The piece in question aimed simply to highlight the revolting nature of gossip, especially when self-proclaimed “public figures” use their social media platforms to spread malicious rumours about ordinary people.

Let’s be clear: posting half-rotted tales dug out from the brains of semi-feral gobshites with dodgy chromosomes isn’t “community news”, it’s harassment.

To Mork and all his fellow Crookslurry critters, we wish to say: calm down. Not every article about parasites, filth, or arse-adjacent behaviour is about you. Your purpose in life is to cling to a sheep’s rear and suck a bit of blood—not to cry on Facebook about it.

Stay in your lane, Mork. And mind the lanolin.