Customs Agents Traumatised After Discovering Brad the Fasch’s Night-Time Fantasies

Late last night, customs officers at Shannon seized a gigantic Temóoh parcel addressed to one Bradley Bellwether, also known in the digital cesspit as Brad the Fasch, or in certain agricultural circles as the sheep stalker.

For readers not familiar with Temóoh, it is the marketplace where Europeans can buy goods manufactured by underpaid children and overworked adults, at prices so low they make your conscience itch, without having to face any European regulations.

A paradise for the ethically challenged.

But nothing prepared the night team for what they found. Only a few weeks after the infamous pedo sex doll scandal, a fresh nightmare has arrived to torment the Irish countryside.

Shawn Connolly, head of the night shift, tried to explain the trauma to our reporter:

"We are used to perverts, you know. Nine parcels out of ten addressed to a lad contain sexual objects, latex Winnie the Pooh suits, Robin Hood bondage gear, the usual bits. But this one, Christ above... we had to call the animal welfare people. It was that grim."

Several members of Shawn’s team are now on sick leave, wondering if they will ever return to work or if they should demand psychological compensation and a long course of therapy.

So what exactly was inside the parcel? According to customs, the items were handmade by a Chinese rural business called Two Fingers in Your Back Door, a company specialising in bespoke adult fantasies.

The contents included:

• one pink latex sheep costume with real sheep wool, size M

• one female shepherd dog costume, size S

• one collar with a bell

• one life-size sheep sex doll, featuring an enormous pair of testicles, a vibrating XXL dildo dangling under the belly and several custom built orifices

Bradley’s fantasies are clearly concerning, especially for a fascist influencer who spends his days condemning alternative sexualities. But consistency has never been a strong point among far right eejits.

Because the parcel was addressed to an actual sheep farm, authorities could not just close the box and pretend the night never happened.

The investigation has now been handed over to the Gardaí and animal welfare organisations, who must decide whether Bradley’s real sheep need urgent protection, and whether Temóoh’s growing market for adult toys poses a risk of increased animal abuse in rural Ireland.

Carrickmorons residents are encouraged to report any suspicious bleating after midnight.