Dublin Braces for “White Pride” March: Expect Grindr Outages and the Usual Parade of Court Cases

DUBLIN - On October 4th, the Irish far-right will once again try to dress up their criminal records as patriotism, gathering in the capital for what they are calling a march “for women and children.” In practice, it will be a kind of open-air offender registry: a gathering where the nation’s finest sexual predators, domestic abusers, and tax-dodging landlords get together to chant about protecting families they’ve historically failed to feed, clothe, or stop punching.

Locals are preparing the way they always do: double-locking their doors, keeping their children inside, and betting on how many court summonses will be served before the parade reaches O’Connell Street.

Veteran observers are also predicting a digital aftershock. When Charlie Kirk’s fans gathered for his memorial near Phoenix, Grindr collapsed under the weight of closeted fascists in desperate need of company. Experts are warning that Dublin may experience the same outage on October 4th, when “trad wives” discover their men aren’t actually defending women, but rather DM-ing lads named Séamus within a 500-meter radius.

International tourists, too, are bewildered. A group of German pensioners who happened to visit Dublin during the last march confessed they thought, for a terrifying moment, that they had accidentally booked a time-travel package back to 1933.

“It was the same aesthetic, just worse haircuts,” one of them said. “We’re relieved our plane takes off before this new Nazi pride event.”

If history repeats itself, the White Pride march will not so much be a political demonstration as a badly attended family reunion, with chants echoing off empty shopfronts and passersby rolling their eyes. Still, Dubliners are encouraged to avoid the city center on October 4th, not out of fear, but simply to avoid the smell of cheap alcohol, resentment, and stupidity.