Empty Seminary to Become IPAS Centre: “A Bid to Teach Them the Irish Way to Abuse Children,” Says Government Source

Ireland’s Department of Integration has unveiled a “culturally sensitive solution” to the so-called migration crisis: turning the country’s many half empty Catholic seminaries into new IPAS centres.

“The buildings are already designed for celibacy, secrecy, and long corridors where screams go unheard,” explained a senior civil servant, delighted by the “cost efficiency of repurposing existing infrastructure.”

Government sources say the move aims to “help asylum seekers integrate” by teaching them what one official called “the Irish way to abuse children, within a respectable institutional framework.”

After decades of Church-run schools, laundries, and orphanages, Ireland has developed world-class expertise in covering up sexual abuse.

“We’ve been told by the Fap Right that migrants come from dangerous cultures,” said one local councillor, “so we thought: let’s show them how it’s properly done, with a press statement, a few rosaries, and absolute impunity.”

Ballybollocks resident Séamus O’Clérigh, a lifelong member of Ballybollocks Says No, welcomed the move, though not without some reservations. “We are proud of our Catholic culture.” He said "But I doubt it'll be Irish with a priest of color anyway. I'm not racist but... people are skipping Mass when we have the priest from Cameroon you know."

The local bishop praised the initiative as “a beautiful example of cultural exchange.”

In an unexpected twist, the first asylum seekers housed in the seminary have already started a support group called No Means Novena, aimed at teaching the locals about consent, even within marriage.

The Department said it was “open to learning”, as soon as the Church tells them it’s safe to do so.