🚨 ESA Mission Fails: Ireland Braces for Incoming Fap-Right Meteorite

After the European Space Agency’s failed attempt to divert the next Misery Festival away from Earth, scientists have confirmed the worst: fragments of the event will crash-land in Castlebar, Co. Mayo, on November 1st.

Dubbed the “Samhain Sessions” (SS) by organisers, the incoming debris promises to release record levels of bullshit, racism, fascism, conspiracy, rosary beads, and self-pity into the atmosphere.

A toxic cocktail of cults, conspiracies, and communion wafers

According to early data, the festival will combine Catholic breakaway cults, neo-pagan cosplay, and the Facebook Fap Right, resulting in a volatile mix of incense, xenophobia, and unwashed hair.

The headline act, Joe O'Caicín, is expected to deliver a nine-hour lament about “today's horrors,” including the existence of women, foreigners, and people who read books.

Supporting speakers include Sean O’HitlerBirthdaysShouldBeABankHoliday, Brad MacAliensAreWithUs, and Aisling O’IDon’tFeelSafeAroundMuslims, who will each perform interpretative hate speeches inspired by things they half-remember from YouTube.

Experts warn of cultural contamination

Dr. John Lenin, sociologist and materialist thinker, warns:

“This is not a festival. This is what happens when colonial nostalgia, online radicalisation, and a midlife crisis form a band. You’ll see Catholic LARPers praying to Brigid one minute and burning wind turbines the next.”

The European Centre for Ideological Disease (ECID) has rated the event “Pegi 18+”, warning that “children should not be exposed to scenes of adults role-playing oppression and calling it patriotism.”

A joint statement by the Irish Child Welfare Association added:

“Kids’ socialisation should not be shaped by their parents’ sexual kinks. We don’t bring children to swingers clubs, so we shouldn’t bring them to fascist cosplay conventions either.”

The Sentinel’s advice

Locals are urged to remain indoors, avoid looking directly at the stage, and keep garlic, consent, and empathy nearby in case of infection.

If you see anyone attempting to summon Himler with a Ouija board, do not engage.

Stay safe!