Europe Launches Space Mission To Divert Next Mise Éire Event Away From Earth

In a desperate attempt to preserve Ireland’s sanity, the European Space Agency (ESA) has announced an ambitious mission: to knock the next Mise Éire Festival off its current trajectory towards Earth.

The controversial event, known locally as a “fascist shitshow for illiterate Culchies Says No,” has been feared to cause lasting cultural damage if allowed to collide with the general population.

“The data is clear,” said Dr. Anneliese Schmitt, lead scientist at ESA. “Every time one of these gatherings reaches the surface, Ireland is bombarded with hours of men in ill-fitting suits shouting about ‘heritage’ while mispronouncing their own counties’ names. It’s worse than climate change.”

The decision to launch the mission follows the disastrous failure of the 2018 attempt to redirect the Pro-Life Campaign Annual Dinner into deep space. Instead of burning up harmlessly in the atmosphere, the event multiplied, spawning marches, gala dinners, and awkward radio ads voiced by creeps who sound like they’re trying not to fart.

“Since that failure, we’ve all suffered,” admitted one ESA engineer. “We simply can’t risk another miscalculation.”

The Mise Éire Festival, if unaltered, is predicted to make landfall in Castlebar for Halloween. Local residents are already building bunkers or booking Airbnbs in Belgium.

“I’ve survived two floods, a pandemic, and a Lidl opening day,” said one Castlebar resident. “But I can’t live through 48 hours of men in flat caps shouting ‘ÉIRE FOR THE ÉIRE’ while vaping beside a tricolour.”

ESA scientists confirmed the mission will involve launching a spacecraft filled with Europe’s most powerful deterrents: Eurovision semi-finals, Pride events, and American musicians. The hope is that these cultural warheads will nudge the festival gently into orbit around Jupiter, where it will finally be someone else’s problem.

Meanwhile, the Mise Éire organisers released a statement claiming the festival is “a celebration of true Irish culture.” Their press release, however, was accidentally written in Comic Sans and included 37 spelling mistakes, causing further embarrassment.

Back in ESA headquarters, scientists remain cautiously optimistic.

“If we succeed,” said Dr. Schmitt, “Ireland might finally enjoy one Halloween without a fascist-tinged Céilí in a tent behind Supermac’s."

The launch is scheduled for next week. Ireland holds its breath.