Fascist Wannabe Politician Heard Crying From Belfast to Waterford After Being Misgendered Named Locally

Ireland was rattled last night as a noise, described variously as “a banshee’s wail” and “a cow stuck in a milking machine,” echoed from Belfast to Waterford. The source was quickly identified: a far-right wannabe politician, inconsolable after being misgendered in public.

Seamus McKiernan, 84, who is almost entirely deaf, reported from his flat in Belfast:

“I haven’t heard a thing since Thatcher shut down the shipyards, but I heard that. Thought it was Gabriel himself blowing the bloody trumpet.”

Meanwhile, eight-year-old Katie Walsh in Waterford said she feared the worst:

“I thought a dog had been run over. I went to check the road, but it was just a man crying online.”

In a statement to his followers, the politician clarified he was shocked and that while he is definitely not homophobic or misogynistic, “being labelled genderfluid is the single greatest insult ever hurled at me.” He added that allegations of him running fake online accounts were “slanderous in the extreme.”

“I cannot have fakes,” he insisted. “My phone was in me pocket.”

Following the outburst, the candidate reportedly entered into a rigorous programme of self-prescribed “gender-affirming therapy,” which consisted mainly of six consecutive hours of aggressive shitposting. Witnesses described the session as “both tragic and strangely cathartic.”