Full-time Carrickwankers Creator Shortlisted For Pulitzer After “Cracking” The Great Ulster Puzzle

In news that has delighted three Facebook moderators and one bewildered aunt, Brad Pógmothóin, full-time digital creator for Carrickwankers Says No, part-time farmer, has reportedly been tossed on a shortlist for a Pulitzer Prize after assembling what he calls the definitive theory of “what’s really goin’ on in Ulster.”

We found him at his farmhouse, where the ring light sits on the tractor and a half-packed box of tinfoil hats leans against a stack of agricultural brochures. The kitchen table was labelled in marker: CONTENT CREATOR — DO NOT DISTURB. 

Brad welcomed us in his thick, rural brogue and a jumper that read, in faded letters, WAKE UP SHEEPLE.

“Ah sure, I’m a farmer,” he told us, “but before all that I’m a digital creator... that’s what we put on Facebook so we can recognise each other and make a bit o quid off the vids. So every day when I’ve a bit o time tae kill I make vids. Helps me try tae solve the puzzle o strange things we’re seein’.”

He paused to spit a seed into a ceramic ashtray that had ‘TRUST NO ONE’ painted on the rim.

Brad’s “puzzle” is, by his own admission, an ambitious collage of every late-night documentary, chatroom screenshot and all the David Icke quotes he’s ever saved. The pieces include: lights in the sky (not satellites, he insists), a sudden wave of halal meat on supermarket shelves (an “infiltration”), vape shops and phone-repair joints popping up like mushrooms, and what he described as the terrifying replacement rate of two new arrivals for every thousand Irish per year.

“Everything’s connected,”

Brad declared, waving a laminated screenshot of a helicopter like a papal indulgence.

“The Anunnaki... they give suitcases of cash to our rich fellas. They take our cows, sometimes our children, up in helicopters and hand ’em over to their gods. Climate change is Haarp makin’ the place warm so certain people can survive... they can’t handle snow, so of course they want it warmer. Halal? It’s not just for Muslims... it’s to make white folks sick o’ meat so we hand over more livestock. Covid? Simple lockdown infrastructure for 5G towers and alien runways.”

When asked how his theory accounted for the Isle of Man’s recent helicopter registration and the EU’s livestock directives, Brad hit his stride.

“Ah ye see, it’s the rich doin’ deals. Helicopters land near the farm one day, there’s money in suitcases, and the next thing you know the council’s sayin’ we’ll need tae cull herds for some paperwork. Lefty loonies cheer it on, of course, they’re workin’ with the elites and the aliens.”

Brad’s wall of evidence is, to put it politely, eclectic: a supermarket receipt, a grainy photo of a drone, a printout of a luxury helicopter ad and a sticky note that read “MOTHER OF GOD IT ALL FITS.” He recommended several “documentaries” from David Icke and The Matrix.

Carrickwankers Says No celebrated with a picture of Brad holding his phone, captioned: TRUTH. AT LAST.

For now, Brad is busy editing: “If I get that Pulitzer, I’ll be able tae buy a better phone. Then I’ll really crack the rest, the halal, the helicopters, the Anunnaki, the lefty loonies. It’s all connected, I knew it in me bones.”