Garda Launch Nationwide Hunt for Fascist’s Cousin’s Sister’s Uncle’s Source

In what has been described as “the most important investigation since the hunt for Shergar,” Gardaí have launched a nationwide search for the mysterious source of every “top secret report” waved around by Ireland’s loudest fascist uncle.

The reports, which so far have revealed such explosive intelligence as “the government plans to replace Guinness with halal beer” and “migrants are secretly running the GAA”, have never once materialised into reality. But that hasn’t stopped local fascists from treating them with the reverence usually reserved for the Dead Sea Scrolls or Dunnes Stores’ Christmas opening hours.

A high-ranking Garda in Ballybollocks station explained:

“If we get our hands on this source, we could solve literally everything. They might even have the Epstein files Trump won’t release! Or maybe the secret to ending violence against women in far-right circles! Personally, I’m hoping for my mam’s lemon drizzle cake recipe. She swore she’d given it to me but all I have is a Post-it note that says ‘butter’.”

After a month of tireless searching, however, all leads have gone nowhere.

“One time,” recalled Garda Paddy McImscrúdaitheoir, “we got a hot tip that turned out to be a traumatised parrot repeating half-chewed conspiracy theories it overheard on GB News. Honestly, it made more sense than the human sources we’ve had.”

Despite posters, reward money, and nightly prayers to Saint Jude (patron saint of lost causes), no credible source has been found. Garda Aoife McPóilín admitted:

“Our experts believe the reports are, in fact, fabricated using Microsoft Paint and a 2007 copy of WordArt. Still, you’d be shocked how convincing neon Comic Sans can look if you really want to believe it.”

The investigation is beginning to wear on morale.

“It’s like my dentist with my teeth,” sighed Garda Oisín Dubhach. “They make up problems just to give themselves work. These lads churn out secret reports to keep busy, otherwise their delusions would be about as real as fairies, changelings, or a pint under €6 in Temple Bar.”

The Gardaí remain committed to finding the elusive source, though privately they admit the only real “top secret file” still missing in Ireland is the recipe for a government housing policy that actually works.