GRIFT’s Soothing ASMR for Sleepless Fascists

Our mindfulness expert Che Guevarab, who recently discovered through the sacred art of gossip that many local parents can’t sleep these days, what with the price of bread, the migrants, and the haunting sound of their own hypocrisy, recommends a bit of ASMR therapy.

Lucky for you, the local fascist gazette GRIFT has produced an ASMR session designed especially for the chronically outraged. In this relaxing audio experience, a soft voice whispers the latest conspiracies directly into your ear:

“The EU wants your cows dead... the halal sheds are coming... and Bill Gates is in your porridge...”

Each breathy syllable is accompanied by the gentle rustle of a Grift page, the subtle clinking of a can of cheap beer, and the distant sob of a man realising his wife’s vibrator has a higher IQ than him.