I Investigated My Aunt’s Conspiracy Video.

Aunty McVeigh is following this conspiracy creep

My aunt was minding her own business, scrolling the local fascist influencer feed between halves of her bingo, when she froze, phone in hand, and announced:

“This ChatGPT thing just said it works for the Anunnaki.”

She looked at me like I should be worried. I laughed. She spat into her tea and declared, with the absolute conviction reserved for people who learned geopolitics at the pub, that the page was a “serious source of information.” She learned everything there, she said: halal secrets, the meaning of the strange lights over Ballybollocks at 5 a.m., and why supermarket bacon is definitely satanic.

I watched the video: what followed was a masterclass in how nonsense becomes headline. The influencer had clipped a 20-second exchange, slapped on ominous music, added the text “CHATGPT CONFESSES,” and uploaded it with the speed of someone who believes virality is a form of proof. Overnight, the clip became a holy text for the local conspiracy circuit. Comments ranged from full apocalypse to “Wow, the liberals were right all along” and, my favourite, “This is just fancy CGI by the Deep State.”

I couldn’t let it stand. I am, after all, the family’s designated skeptic and occasional troublemaker. So I did what any investigative journalist raised on conspiracy podcasts would do: I bribed the grand-master of the local freemason lodge at the bowling club with a bottle of Tullamore D.E.W. Original and asked him for help.

He told me, deadpan, that you can only make ChatGPT confess if you write the old Masonic code. He demonstrated by whispering something that sounded like a cross between a password and a recipe for soda bread.

“Write it nice and clearly,”

he insisted, his hand firmly on my shoulder.

I went home, half-convinced I’d just wasted 30 euros and a generous portion of dignity. I typed the sacred phrase into the chat window. The chatbot answered.

So here’s the truth, revealed to me after I entered the secret password :