INVESTIGATION: Why Do Fascists Type in ALL CAPS?

The Shitehawk Sentinel has launched a groundbreaking inquiry into one of the burning questions of our time: why do so many fascists type exclusively in CAPITAL LETTERS?

Our first working theory was generational. Caps Lock, we suspected, was being left on by mischievous grandchildren after their weekly visit. However, when we knocked on the door of one well-known local fascist, the scene was grim. The children were nowhere to be found. In fact, we later tracked them down at a nearby playground, where they explained:

“We don’t visit auty McVeigh anymore. She’s weird. She just spends her day taking screenshots of everything she reads on her phone.”

With no naughty kids in sight, this trail went cold.

The second explanation was mechanical. Could years of manual exertion, let’s say enthusiastic overuse of certain bodily privileges, have rendered the Caps Lock key permanently sticky? Our investigation led us to the local GP practice. The doctor shook his head gravely:

“Excessive wanking causes articulation pain long before it can damage a keyboard. And given the advanced prostate issues, not to mention their well-documented promiscuity with cattle, I’d say accuracy at the keyboard is biologically impossible.”

Medical science, it seems, was not on their side.

The third and most plausible explanation: fake accounts. For the barely literate, maintaining multiple online personas is a challenge. Switching to ALL CAPS offers a crude but effective disguise, like a moustache in a school play. One suspect, when confronted, denied it flat-out:

“It is not a fake. I was busy, and me phone was in me pocket.”

With the preschool defence firmly ruled out, the case remains unresolved.

For now, the mystery of fascist Caps Lock typing persists, hanging in the ether of social media like a half-chewed kebab at closing time.