Local fascist and part time sheep stalker Murk Broodie has decided he is now a world class fantasy author, ready to conquer the prestigious World Fantasy Award.

After a full year gossiping like an alcoholic about anyone who dares disagree with him, after a year fabricating lies, fake evidence and stories dredged from the foggy hangover brain of the village lush, Murk is trying his last desperate move.

No, apparently he has not spent twelve months being a bowl scraping of a man who defames everyone.

No, he is not a piss tank threatening random locals.

No, he is not a steaming sack of shite ruining the lives of people in his own community.

He is actually a victim. And not only that, he is a misunderstood author of high fantasy.

Everything he spews online is not the meanness of a rancid wee rat with the IQ of a frozen turnip.

It is art.

Murk is an artist, overlooked by the world.

When he uses people’s names, when he plays with their identity, when he spreads lies, fabricates screenshots, invents testimonies, Murk is simply trying to bring back wonder and magic to our grim little world.

And that is why he wants to win the World Fantasy Award. Definitely not because he is trying to dodge solicitors.

The jury of the World Fantasy Award has, understandably, expressed a few doubts.

"If we allow every alcoholic pumped full of sheep shite, nicotine and magic mushrooms to submit their Facebook profile, we will be buried alive in nonsense," said Maureen Johnson. "We will have no time left for the real work created by people who actually have talent."

Another member of the committee, Edward Price, added,

"And Murk clearly would not pass any doping test. My colleague mentioned alcohol, nicotine, sheep faeces and mushrooms. But honestly, I would not be shocked if he is on cannabis, acid and heavily contaminated by various heavy metals. And if someone tells me he is infested with parasitic fungi, I would not even raise an eyebrow."

So the odds are slim that the heap of defamatory gossip produced by the local sheep stalker will make it to the prestigious World Fantasy Award.

We gently suggest an alternative strategy.

Stop talking shite about people, stop lying, shut the clack of your gob for five minutes and go back to sniffing the arses of your beloved flock.

Murk, politics is not for everyone. Vomiting conspiracy nonsense at people who just happen to think you are full of it is not politics.

Using Google, Gemini and ChatGPT because you cannot write, speak or read is not what one might call the minimum requirement to represent the public.

You are a far better sheepdog than politician. Sniffing arses and nipping ankles, that is where you shine.