Local Man Proves Drag Queen Story Hour Is Dangerous

Residents of Ballybigots were treated to an unexpected cultural experiment last week when local conspiracy influencer Brad O’Eejit attended a Drag Queen Story Hour “just to see what all the fuss was about.”

According to eyewitnesses, Brad walked in wearing a face like he was about to catch a virus, and walked out an hour later with a sudden urge to buy sequins.

By the end of the day, he had raided the women’s clothing section of Dunnes, emptied the make-up aisle, and subscribed to seventeen YouTube make-up tutorials under the username “BoiToQueen69.”

A week later, things took a darker turn. While reading one of the school’s inclusive storybooks to his children, Brad suddenly felt “the urge to go out and try things with other men.” Witnesses confirm he spent an entire night dressed in drag, “looking for as many partners as he could physically handle in one night,” before waking up the next morning full of regret, glitter, confusion, and bleeding from his (not so little anymore) hole.

“I realised it was the books,” Brad declared. “The stories made me do it. They plant the ideas in your head, same as the cigarette ads on race cars. Only worse. Cigarettes don’t make you want to wear heels.”

Since then, Brad has devoted his time to spreading awareness through memes comparing being nice to gay people with promoting lung cancer. He says he’s not anti-anything, just “pro-heterosexual sanity.”

Unfortunately for Brad, his campaign hasn’t attracted much attention outside of Gropt, premier source for post-Mass gossip and racist panic. The paper ran an exclusive interview under the headline “Local Man’s Arse Suffers for Ireland.”

Despite the setback, Brad remains convinced that inclusivity is part of “the Annunaki plan to turn lads into lassies.” Meanwhile, local residents say the only real danger from drag queens is Brad himself, especially when he’s out of foundation and desperate.