Local Zoos Seek Funding to Protect Endangered Species: The White Irish Cis Hetero Male

Ireland’s zoos have officially sounded the alarm over an increasingly endangered species: the White Irish Cis Hetero Male.

Keepers first became concerned after discovering a distressed young specimen named Marc, rhythmically banging his head against a toilet wall near the gorilla enclosure. Witnesses reported him sobbing about “the Ireland we lost,” though it later emerged that Marc was born in 1999 and had never experienced any other Ireland.

In another incident, a middle-aged Bradley was found loitering by the chimpanzee house. With a vacant stare, he refused to leave at closing time.

“He just kept mumbling about how white men can’t say anything anymore and how their virility is under siege from blue-haired lesbian communists,” one zoo employee explained. “It was tragic, really. Especially because the chimpanzees were visibly uncomfortable.”

Zookeepers say the crisis has been exacerbated by the shrinking of their natural habitats, once known as “the pub snug” and “the parish hall meeting.” Today, most have been forced into digital sanctuaries such as the famous “Says No” Facebook groups, where they gather in dwindling numbers to share blurry memes and misattribute Churchill quotes.

“We had to act,” said Aishling McFiadhúlra, spokesperson for the local Zoo. “So we’re dedicating a new conservation space, right between the hippos and the gorillas. It’s big enough to house a few Tesla cars and a flatscreen playing FOX News on loop. We’ll even scatter some cheap cigars and half-empty Dutch Gold cans to make them feel at home.”

The initiative, however, will require government support.

“We’re asking for emergency conservation funding,” McFiadhúlra added. “This project will create jobs, though applicants may need circus skills, a degree in psychiatry, or at least the patience of a saint.”

Tourists seem intrigued.

“It’s sad,” said Paloma, a visitor from Bolivia. “Back home we only see them in Telegram channels. To see them in person, banging on about how they’re oppressed while standing in a €200 North Face jacket,it’s really something.”

The Department of Culture has yet to confirm whether funding will be approved. In the meantime, Marc and Bradley have been relocated to a temporary enclosure furnished with old PlayStations, St. George’s flags, and a life-sized cutout of Nigel Farage to keep them calm.

“Conservation is about balance,” McFiadhúlra concluded. “If we don’t protect them, who will?”