Monsanto Launches Advent Calendar With 24 Pesticides To “Bring Families Closer Through Shared Mutation”

Monsanto has announced what it calls its “boldest innovation since Roundup”: a Christmas Advent calendar where every window hides a different pesticide. The company insists this festive product will “help families bond over the shared experience of wondering why their garden is glowing in the dark.”

“Why settle for boring chocolates when you can give your children a taste of tomorrow’s agriculture, today?”

asked Monsanto spokesperson Carol Glyphosate, while pouring herself a sherry from a container labelled For Industrial Use Only.

What’s Inside?

• Days 1–10: light pesticides with a hint of almond, “perfect for beginners.”

• Days 11–23: a harsher mix of weed killers, fungicides, and something suspiciously bubbling.

• Christmas Eve (Day 24): Monsanto’s pièce de résistance, a collectible vial of concentrated glyphosate, wrapped in festive tinsel, with a QR code that links to a legal disclaimer.

“Safer Than Milk,” Claims Monsanto

The company reassures the public that all samples are perfectly safe to display on your mantelpiece, “as long as you don’t inhale, ingest, or accidentally look at them for too long.” They even boast that the packaging is child-proof. “Of course, so were our GMO seeds, and farmers managed to open those,” quipped Carol Glyphosate, before being escorted gently away from the microphone.

Reactions

• Parents: Mixed. Some are thrilled to give kids “a real STEM experience.” Others are googling ‘emergency detox hotline for toddlers’.

• Environmentalists: Furious, but exhausted. “We’ve been shouting about Monsanto for 30 years. At this point, it’s like being mad at wasps,” said one activist.

• Conspiracy forums: Ecstatic. The calendar is already selling out among people convinced it contains secret nanobots designed to turn frogs into baristas.

Competitors Join The Madness

Not to be outdone, Nestlé is allegedly preparing an Advent calendar filled with bottled water “stolen from communities around the world, wrapped up in tiny festive bows.”