New Brand "Píogeon Leochaileach" launches new 100% Non-Halal, Masculine (but not Gay) Bacon

In a stunning display of innovation, the brand Brand "Píogeon Leochaileach" launches new 100% Non-Halal, Masculine (but not Gay) Bacon has announced a new range of “100% Non-Halal, Masculine (but not Gay)” products, promising to “restore the natural order of things”, namely, white men feeling superior while eating pork.

Their flagship product, the bacon “100% Non-Halal, Masculine (but not Gay),” looks suspiciously like… well, regular bacon. But, as loyal customers insist, there’s something different about it.

“I feel much whiter thanks to Brand Píogeon Leochaileach launches new 100% Non-Halal, Masculine (but not Gay) Bacon bacon,” says Brendan Fatpig from Ballymoron. “Before, I didn’t. I must’ve accidentally eaten halal bacon in me life. But now, with this one, I can taste the purity.”

Kimberly O’Clueless from Crookhill, mother of twelve ginger boys and a husband, shared her testimony:

“I only cook 100% Non-Halal, Masculine (but not Gay) bacon for me lads and the mister. It builds their character. They’re all more masculine now, and definitely not gay. Thank God Píogeon Leochaileach cares about families like ours.”

Our special correspondent decided to test the product himself and came back puzzled:

“Pork isn’t halal by definition, so the ‘Non-Halal’ label feels a bit redundant. As for ‘masculine’, unless they mean it’s produced by fellas who grunt while cutting it, I don’t know. I checked the ingredients: no trace of testosterone or bollock juice. And ‘not gay’, how does one even test that? The bacon didn’t try to hold my hand.”

Following the success of its bacon, Píogeon Leochaileach has expanded its “Land of Éire” range with the following best-sellers:

• Slurry-Flavoured Cider: “For real men who drink what they spread.”

• Eau de Male Deodorant: made with “non-halal water and pork fat,” leaving you smelling like anxiety and diesel.

• Carded New Car Air Freshener (BBQ & Essence edition): proudly masculine, aggressively straight, mildly carcinogenic.

  
  

In the words of CEO Pat McClot,

“At Píogeon Leochaileach, we believe in defending Irish masculinity from woke vegan infiltrators. Every pack sold is a slap in the face to halal hummus and equality.”

The company plans to release a “Not Gay, Just Hungry” line of sausages by Christmas, promising even thicker insecurity per gram.