Oldfartle Says No: Protecting Ireland from Imaginary Undocumented and Unvetted Migrants.

In the tranquil village of Oldfartle, where time stopped somewhere between The Angelus and the last episode of Fair City, locals have gathered to save Irelan... from people who don’t exist.

Brandishing Facebook screenshots and the confidence of the uneducated, they’ve launched a bold new movement: “Oldfartle Says No to Undocumented and Unvetted Migrants.”A noble cause, if such people actually existed here.

According to the Gardaí, every asylum seeker in Ireland is fingerprinted, registered, checked, and, in case of criminal record, deported.

But the people of Oldfartle know better. They have sources: a man on Telegram whose cousin once saw a lizard person buying hummus in SuperValu.

“They say Gardaí do the vetting, but who vets the Gardaí?” asked one local hero while microwaving a sausage roll. “I saw a video, so it’s true. The Great Replacement is happening. The Annunakis are behind it, and RTE’s in on the plan.”

Between a cup of tea and a good LMAO on Facebook, Oldfartle patriots explain that Ireland must be defended from refugees — mostly people fleeing wars that Western countries funded, and armed.

They are perfectly fine with the mines that provide the cobalt for their phones, or the factories that make their cheap t-shirts. They just don’t want the miners or the workers to show up.

“Sure, I’m not racist,” said Mary O’Bollocks, head of the local “Concerned Residents Committee,” “but why do they have to come here instead of staying where our companies exploit them quietly?”

As one wise man summed it up, between two pints and a WhatsApp rant:

“If the Gardaí, the UN, the Constitution, and basic decency all disagree with me, that’s how I know I’m right.”