“Paper? Like in the Toilet” – Oldfartle Idiocracy Says No to Literacy

In Oldfartle, the local fascist chapter Says No is on high alert after the friend of the grandmother’s aunt of the cousin of the grandson of Paddy FullofShite whispered that a rich prick they hate was plotting to dump migrants into town through the IPAS scheme.

The usual cycle began: suspicious vans followed, whispered gossip escalated, and Facebook Lives racked up dozens of angry reacts.

But when some “leftie loonies” arrived with actual written documents showing it was bollocks, village visionary Seamus McShitesniffer thundered back:

“Paper… you mean… like in the toilet?”

Stunned by this masterclass in Idiocracy, we consulted Dr. Breda Gobdaw, cultural anthropologist and reluctant expert on rural fascist subcultures.

“You must understand,” she explained, “fascists have an ancestral distrust of paper. Paper represents contracts, tax bills, legal judgments, literacy, and above all—proof. These are hostile concepts for people whose entire belief system rests on the authority of ‘a lad down the pub’ and the cousin who once worked two weeks in Dublin Airport.”

Dr. Gobdaw continued:

“Gossip, by contrast, is fluid, flexible, and unaccountable. It can’t be disproved because it never had to be proved in the first place. Gossip is their currency, their scripture, their daily bread. Paper, on the other hand, is terrifying because it stays the same tomorrow as it was today. It’s permanent, which makes it dangerous.”

Asked if this cultural hostility to paper could evolve, Dr. Gobdaw shook her head grimly:

“Not likely. Fascists have replaced libraries with WhatsApp groups, and archives with screenshots of memes. They’ve redefined ‘sources’ as whoever shouts the loudest with a shaky phone camera. To them, written evidence is not a resource but an insult, proof that someone, somewhere, knows better than they do.”

Meanwhile, Oldfartle Says No has announced paper was for gay woke snowflakes and went live on Facebook to prove it.