Pope Leo XIV to Canonize Ballybollocks Man While Still Alive, “A Living Saint of Self-Righteousness”

VATICAN CITY — In what theologians are calling “a divine clerical error,” Pope Leo XIV has announced his wish to meet Brad Full O’Shite, Ballybollocks’ loudest wannabe politician and Ireland’s foremost defender of white fragility.

According to Vatican sources, the Pope described Brad as “a living saint, the kind that sins loudly so the rest of us feel better about ourselves.”

“If he weren’t constantly sinning,” Pope Leo XIV reportedly said, “Christ would have died for nothing. Brad’s life of anger, resentment and ugly Facebook shorts is the purest act of faith we’ve seen since the Crusades.”

Unlike traditional saints who gave away their riches and helped the poor, Brad’s mission is more contemporary:

He hates the poor, despises migrants, and fears anyone with a darker skin tone or a higher IQ.

A loyal member of “Culchies Says No,” Brad spends his days warning Ireland against a mythical invasion of students and single males. His social media sermons attract dozens of disciples, most of whom believe the Earth is flat.

Local supporters describe him as “a man of conviction, mainly the kind that comes after a guilty verdict.”

Brad’s theology is refreshingly straightforward:

• “Feed the hungry?” Not if they’re migrants.

• “Help the sick?” Not if they’re lefty loonies.

• “Love thy neighbour?” Only if they drive a diesel and hate pronouns.

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When questioned by The Shitehawk Sentinel, Brad doubled down:

“I’ll not be feeding no hungry people. Jesus fed a crowd once and look what happened — socialism!”

The Vatican Press Office called this “a bold, market-friendly interpretation of Christian charity,” adding that “Blessed are the ignorant, for they shall inherit Facebook.”

In a move theologians call “an act of divine outsourcing,” Pope Leo XIV is reportedly considering sending Brad as the first Catholic missionary to Mars aboard Musk’s next space expedition.

“He’s the perfect ambassador,” the Pope said. “If there’s even a 0.0000000000000001 % chance that alien life exists, we must not waste the opportunity to expose it to Brad’s unique form of Christian love, preferably far, far away from Earth.”

Pilgrims from Ballybollocks claim several miracles have already occurred in Brad’s name:

• One man reportedly saw an image of Brad appear in a fried rasher.

• A local woman claims her petrol car began running on pure rage after she heard his latest facebook rant about a leftie loonie who laughed at his bad video.

• And in a nearby Lidl car park, an apparition of the Virgin Mary was reportedly seen rolling her eyes.

Preparations for canonization are already under way. Relics include:

• Brad’s empty can of Monster Energy,

• a crucifix made of old phone chargers,

• and a laminated printout of his viral post “Ireland For The Irish"

  
  

The Vatican has not yet confirmed the date of canonization, but sources say it will likely follow soon after his next DUI hearing.

Until then, pilgrims are encouraged to gather at Castlebully Lidl car park, the holy site where Brad first realised that compassion was “a communist plot” and ignorance a sacrament.