Rise in Dog Depression Linked to Culchie Vigilantes Taking Over Traditional Canine Roles, Experts Warn

In a shocking new development, local veterinary clinics across rural Ireland are reporting a surge in canine depression, with distressed dogs confessing they feel “replaced” by fascist vigilantes.

Our special investigator went undercover this week at Ballybollocks Vet Clinic, where a border collie named Finn broke down in tears.

“They’re taking our space, our territory, our job,” whined the trembling collie. “It used to be us running after the foreigners, pissing on corners to mark territory, and barking at every van that dared stop in the village. Now it’s Brad, Seán, and Leo from Bailiebastards Says No. Human beings! Human beings are doing dog work!”

The clinic’s waiting room echoed with similar complaints from Labradors, terriers, and even a retired greyhound who admitted he’d been considering going back on the track just to feel useful again.

“Honestly, we can’t compete,” said another collie, staring mournfully at his empty food bowl. “These lads chase buses with a commitment we never had. They spend ten hours a day watching out for anything suspicious through a window.”

Veterinary staff have warned that if the trend continues, dogs may lose their long-held privileges.

“They fear no more treats, no more pats, and, in extreme cases, euthanasia,” said Dr. Máire Ní Shíthigh, dabbing her eyes. “It’s devastating. We trained these dogs for centuries, and now culchies are barking them into unemployment.”

Our investigator attempted to reassure Finn and his companions: sharing is possible. After all, the vigilantes don’t chase the postman (yet), and they don’t bite Aunty McVaugh’s calves.