Special Investigation: The Bed Delivery Conspiracy, Part Two

When we last left the scene, a bald fascist amateur detective was circling a bed delivery truck at 3 AM, filming it with the intensity of a man convinced he was cracking the Rosetta Stone. But I could not leave the mystery there.

After my shift, I made a few calls and tracked down the driver of that truck: Andrius Proletaras. He welcomed me into his modest home with a steaming cup of tea and a plate of biscuits, visibly relieved to finally speak of his ordeal.

“Every time I go into one of these towns with a Facebook page like ‘Ballygobackward Says No,’ there’s always some creep circling my truck, filming it like he’s uncovered the Third Secret of Fatima, or the lost Nazi gold,” he told me, shaking his head.

We sat down together, laptop open, to sift through the digital detritus of “Says No” Facebook pages. What we found was not exactly Leni Riefenstahl. The videos were shaky, the sound distorted, and one could practically smell the cheap whiskey seeping out of the screen.

But patterns began to emerge. These people, convinced they were Ireland’s last defense against “the globalist plot,” had developed a new obsession: beds. According to their reasoning, the presence of beds could only mean one thing. Beds meant bedrooms. Bedrooms meant asylum seekers. And asylum seekers, to their drink-soaked minds, meant a crime against the nation.

Thus the mission was born: to chase bed delivery trucks through the night, to gather “evidence” that communities were… brace yourselves… legally preparing accommodation for displaced people.

A monstrous crime indeed, if you squint hard enough through a hangover.

And who stands guard against this imaginary menace? None other than a squad of would-be investigators whose reasoning skills make kindergarten circle time look like the Cambridge entrance exams.

There are 5.38 million people in Ireland. Beds and mattresses? They’re everywhere. Kids grow up, cribs become toddler beds, then single beds, then double. Mattresses wear out every few years. That’s a lot of them being hauled around the country everyday.

Meanwhile, around 15,000 people enter the IPAS system each year. In fascist math, apparently every mattress in the land is secretly destined for them.

If these lads were serious about national security, they’d be on the frontline of the real crisis: toothbrushes. So where’s the outrage? Where are the late-night investigations?

“BRUSH DELIVERY TO SECRET LOCATION, SHARE BEFORE THEY DELETE IT!!!!”