Tantrum in Ballydiot

Last night, something terrible happened. Somewhere between a screech and a bowel movement, a disgusting little fascist leprechaun named Murk threw such a massive fit that miners in Africa thought a new underworld demon was finally coming to end their misery.

Sadly, no. It was just Murk, the gobshite gremlin of the Irish swamps, the living proof that evolution occasionally gives up and goes drinking. His meltdown lasted a full day. The cause? One of our articles.

Who would’ve believed it? After four far-right politicians already saw themselves in our latest satire, now a gollum-sized pile of moss and misery from the back arse of Ireland decided we were talking about him too.

The problem with Murk isn’t only that he’s small, ugly, and shaped like a leftover carrot. It’s that he’s thick as slurry. The kind of lad who snorts applesauce through his nose and drinks noodle water.

Trying to make him understand that we couldn’t give a flying shite about his miserable, twisted, Pictish mug, clearly carved during a hangover, would be as useful as explaining feminism to a turnip.

But sure, here we go again.Listen, Murk: there are people actually paid by rich men to spread nonsense online. You’re not one of them. Everyone knows it. That’s your curse. You’re not a soldier, you’re a volunteer idiot.

So here’s our only available professional advice:

Stop snorting applesauce, Murk. It’s making you cough.