This Halloween, a spectre is haunting Children — the spectre of communism.

Forget razor blades in apples or ecstasy in chocolate bars.

The real danger this year is ideological, and according to local Facebook theologian and part-time witch hunter Auntie McVaugh, “it’s pure Marxism”

She’s been warning parents for weeks: “They want to corrupt our youth, one treat bag at a time!”

Reports are flooding in from across Ballybollocks and Oldfartle Says No:

• Quote-sized Marxism: Some trick-or-treaters have reportedly found snippets from The Communist Manifesto instead of Haribo. One traumatised child in Monaghan reportedly burst into tears after reading: “From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs.”“That’s socialism, plain and simple,” said his concerned father.

  
  

• Holy texts gone woke: In some cases, pranksters have even slipped in Bible verses telling children to “welcome the stranger.” A local priest described this as “anti-Irish propaganda straight from the Vatican’s globalist wing.”

  
  

• Unused vaccine packs: Terrifying parents across the country, full boxes of Pfizer’s finest, untouched and unspoiled. “First it was masks, now they’re trying to vaccinate Halloween!” screamed Aunt McVaugh in her latest Facebook live, before being cut off by her Wi-Fi again.

  
  

• DIY guillotine kits: A local mother found a leaflet titled “How to Build Your Own Guillotine (For Educational Purposes)” complete with glitter stickers reading “Eat the Rich.” The Gardaí have confirmed it’s technically not illegal, “but we don’t recommend it unless supervised by a responsible adult or trade union.”

  
  

• Children’s sexual education books: Shockingly, some of the younger goblins and witches have come home with miniature pamphlets explaining anatomy and consent — in words they can actually understand. “It’s filth,” cried one local man. “My son didn’t need to know what a clitoris was until marriage!”

  
  

• Rainbow temporary tattoos: Thousands of homes have been hit with stickers reading “Love is love.” The damage is irreversible, local fascist groups report that after applying one, they “couldn’t stop humming Kim Petras.”

  
  

• USB sticks with revolutionary books: Some households report receiving tiny memory sticks filled with PDF copies of Pedagogy of the Oppressed and The Conquest of Bread. One parent tried to exorcise the USB drive, but it only started quoting Gramsci.

  
  

• And finally — the most feared of all — The Epstein Files: The ultimate horror item. No one knows who put them there.

  
  

Aunt McVaugh has now demanded a national emergency. “If this keeps up, our children might grow up to be kind, educated, and class-conscious,” she warned. “And then who’ll read Gript?”

This Halloween, stay safe, check your kids’ bags, confiscate any suspicious ideology, and remember:

The only thing scarier than socialism is literacy.