United in Denial: Ireland’s Least Racist Racists Form a Coalition of Hurt Feelings

In an unprecedented display of fragility and misplaced confidence, Portlousy Says No, Dumtalk Vanguard and Boldarsele Says No have joined forces to remind the nation that they are absolutely not racists, and if you say otherwise, they’ll… well, they’ll think about calling a solicitor.

They haven’t yet, of course. But they might. So you better stop laughing.

Brad O’Eejit, a local patriot from Oldfartle, declared to our microphone with tears of pure nationalism in his eyes:

“I’m no racist. I just want no foreigner in my country.”

A moving statement of inclusion if there ever was one. To further prove their point, Brad and his friends have taken it upon themselves to harass doctors of colour working as emergency medics in hospitals.

“That way,” Brad explained, “we show it’s not a class issue. We hate them all, poor, rich, same difference.”

Sociologists are reportedly stunned by this new form of intersectional hate, locally referred to as equal-opportunity bigotry.

When questioned about their views on women, Brendan Bómán of Caveman Vanguard was quick to enlighten us:

“Migrants want our women, and not according to our rules, like proper Irish men.”

When informed that most domestic and sexual violence happens within Irish families, Brendan bravely defended his ego:

“That’s an attack on my masculinity. We don’t want the 0.1% of violence caused by migrants, that’s all.”

Moments later, Brendan was seen furiously scrolling through his phone to find his favourite incel comfort YouTube channel, muttering something about “wokeness” and “gender war” before disappearing.

Meanwhile, Margaret from Ballybigots National Watch insists she’s not racist either.

“But,” she says, “the ones rummaging in the bins and destroying Ballybigot Tidy Town’s work, they’re not Irish.”

We asked why, then, her local park was decorated with dog shite every two metres, beer cans in the bushes, jelly sweet wrappers, and piss stains near the benches.Margaret didn’t flinch:

“We already have enough to deal with the Irish.”

So, like Brendan, Margaret’s logic is simple: focus on the 0.01% of imaginary problems and ignore the 80% of actual ones. Sociologists call that scapegoating. We call it racism.

Upon hearing that, Margaret reportedly chased our reporters down her street waving a Temu-ordered Ivorian flag, screaming that we were agents of the New World Order funded by Bill Gates’ anti-white propaganda.

And then there’s Gerry, from Trollee Says No, who brings us the economic argument.

“If we kick out the foreigners, we’ll have more houses available. Problem solved!”

We gently explained to Gerry that the housing crisis might have more to do with decades of failed policies, deregulation, and a government that prioritises vulture funds and landlords over human beings.But Gerry wasn’t having it.

“I don’t care about all that. Kick them out and we’ll all have a house.”

According to Gerry’s mathematics, Ireland’s housing shortage, caused by speculative hoarding, empty Airbnbs, and institutional greed, can be solved by deporting nurses, builders, and international students. Truly, a genius of neoliberal thought.

Conclusion: They’re not racists.They’re just Irish racist fascists, with a deep love for their “culture” (mainly represented by empty cans of Dutch Gold and unwashed GAA jerseys).

Violent, illiterate, and as logically coherent as an epileptic chicken overdosed on paracetamol, the Says No movement continues its proud tradition of shouting incoherently at reality.