“Wanking Bracelet” Keeps Ireland’s Far Right Fully Charged, Researcher Claims

DUBLIN — In what critics are calling the most useful invention for fascists since the selfie stick, an Irish researcher has unveiled a bracelet that converts wrist-flinging energy into electricity, guaranteeing that the country’s most devoted harassment squads never again run out of battery while stalking construction workers, foreigners, or anyone they’re inexplicably jealous of.

“I noticed a worrying trend,” says Dr. Padraig O’Knacker, lead inventor and self-described ‘applied ergonomics enthusiast’. “The Irish far right masturbate far more than the national average. Hours spent on X combing for trans porn, frenzied scrolling through online ‘news’ and politics pages, and ultimately a lot of wrist action. Why not harvest that power?”

Dubbed the Wanking Bracelet, the device straps snugly to the wrist and uses micro-generators to transform repetitive wrist motions into a small but steady current.

Each unit comes with two USB phone chargers and a dedicated plug for the proprietary “Butt Plug” adapter, because, Dr. O’Knacker explains with a shrug, “they’re very gadget-friendly.”

“It’s brilliant engineering,” beams the researcher. “Grindr, live streams, and social apps are power-hungry. Now a loyal fascist can spend an entire march live-streaming their rage and still have 40% left to tweet death threats afterwards.”

Features (because fascists love specs)

• Dual phone charging ports — charge two handsets for simultaneous harrassment.

• Dedicated sex-toy port with “nautical” screw-cap for discreet plugging.

• Waterproof, and sweat-resistant for prolonged vehemence.

  
  

Reactions

From the far right, enthusiasm was instantaneous.

“Finally, an answer to Big Telecom!” announced Seamus O’Bile, local organiser of the “Keep Ireland Pure and Slightly Anxious” Facebook group. “No more waiting by the van for a charger, we can go our full 12-minute rant.”

From outside the movement, amusement and alarm mingled. Dr. Fiona McLaugh, sociologist and author of Trolling, Trauma and Tea, said:

“This is a perfect mirror. They’re inventing ways to self-sustain the very behaviour that isolates them from society. It’s both pathetic and efficient.”

A spokesperson for a major phone manufacturer politely declined to comment, citing difficulties in endorsing “devices that intentionally (and literally) exploit repetitive human motion for antisocial ends.”

A market with potential?

The Wanking Bracelet is currently in prototype form and has already been pre-ordered by a number of local “fascist pride” organisers, who wanted them delivered for an upcoming fascist march in Dublin.

Dr. O’Knacker insists the project is apolitical.

"Energy harvesting is energy harvesting. If you want to power your outrage sustainably, that’s your right.” When pressed on the ethics of selling to violent groups he laughed. “We provide tools. People provide the small minds.”

Final Thoughts

If nothing else, the Wanking Bracelet solves the tragic dilemma that has haunted the Irish far right since the smartphone era began: how to look menacing, outraged, and perpetually online without ever having to locate a wall socket. For the rest of us, it’s a neat little reminder that sometimes the best energy policy is to let the ones who generate the least wisdom keep pedaling their own hamster wheel.